Wait is this not how everyone else wakes up every day?
See what happens when you don’t learn PowerPoint and Excel in college?
You’re doomed to spend your lunch hour YouTubing slide animation because you were lazy years ago.
I’m like the Slacker Techno Ghost of Christmas Future. Learn from me.
In other news, I feel like the smartest person alive right now.
I took the Goose to Ren Faire, or as she calls it “Renis Fair.” After last year’s screaming debacle*, I had major anxiety about bringing her but I have to say that she was stellar. She knew the item purchase limit (two and through) and was level headed and fun even in the most packed crowds.
Before we left, I asked her if she needed to use the bathroom. She told me “no” and happily skipped up the stairs to see if she could pull Excalibur out of the boulder. Before we walked out of the exit, I asked again. “Nope.” But she damn well had to go ten minutes into the ride when we were in bumper-to-bumper traffic with nothing but cars and trees around us. There were no exits, she was jiggling in her seat, and we had a solid 45 minutes left in the car even without traffic. I couldn’t ask her to hold it and I certainly wasn’t having her pee in my car. A girl’s got standards.
I Howard Hughes-ed the situation and made the kid pee in a ziploc bag while I parked on the shoulder. Then we had to drive home with that pee bag in the car. Next to my awesome horns. The whole way home.
I am the best parent alive. I’m also stocking the car with gallon sized ziploc bags.
*We do not talk of last year’s debacle, just as I will not recount my last trip to Feathers. What I will say is that the Goose was AWFUL and it was, by far, her worst tantrum. It was probably the worst tantrum in the history of tantrums ever. There was thrashing and kicking and screaming, “I’ll never top crying” while an entire gaggle of Braveheart-colored warriors stared open-mouthed at the spittle flying from her mouth. She was either possessed or really hated the Faire. Fun for all.
Listening to my coworker talk about Ray Rice like “Sometimes you just provoke someone and they have a reflux and you can’t help that”
Valerina’s postings are a highlight of my day.
I once went to the Renaissance Fair dressed as Marty McFly, and nobody got the joke.
That will forever be one of the most disappointing moments in my life.
I love this. I don’t dress because the costumes are way too expensive but this. This is the greatest. High five, sir.
On another topic, did anyone else go to Ren Faire this weekend and sit in the most awful traffic ever? I’m not kidding, two hours to get two miles. I’ve sat less time in NYC tunnel traffic. During rush hour. Christmas-time. And it was really crowded; I’m not sure how I feel about this year’s excursion.
I know I shouldn’t be wishing time away because life is finite and if I wish it all away one day I’ll be old and won’t be able to get those days back, but JESUS CHRIST THIS SEMESTER NEEDS TO END ALREADY.
I grew these horns waiting in traffic to get to Ren Faire.
My eye has been red in the outer corner and irritated for about a full day, so my hypochondria has kicked in. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with a new eye doctor but it’s not until next Monday. And since I can’t look at my own eye, I have taken about seven up-close selfies of my eye to see if it’s changing in anyway.
In other words, my picture gallery is the scariest ever.
(Concierge is in bathroom stall in restaurant next to hotel. Concierge flushes toilet and opens the stall door. Hotel guest is standing directly in front of the stall.)
GUEST: Good burger nearby?
College students are hotel guests before they grow up.
Californians Try Dunkin’ Donuts For The First Time
Proof Positive that DD RULES.
I forgot how long it takes to grade freshman essays.