January 2012
25 posts
1 tag
5 tags
English Humor
Cousin: You scarred me for life. I can't use ! now
Her Boss: what? oh !
Big Boss Man: yeah... you shouldn't. same with -
Cousin: you mean em dash and en dash? You're insane, that's all we use around here. I have to draw the line somewhere
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The Goose is sick
Awwwwww…stuffy nose, runny nose, little red reindeer nose. That’s what little Gooses are made of.
One freak discovery made because of this cold? The Goose loves chapstick. She fell asleep with it clutched in her hand last night. The obsession would be adorable if she didn’t ask me to apply it to my own lips after she is finished rubbing it on her chapped and leaking nose. YUM.
“To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of...”
– Joan Didion “On Self Respect” (via mensahdemary)
Damn, this woman is smart.
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“Dear Mr. Dodge Ram 1500;
I understand that I seemed to be going relatively...”
– My sister-in-law is balls out awesome
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Big Girl Job Perks
I am getting business cards! Gaaaaa!
GTs
Me: Fox5 says today is the most depressing day of the year.
Nicole: Why?
Me: IDK it's some weird statistic. More people are depressed today than any other day.
N: That's why I want to put a gun in my mouth?
Me: Yup.
N: GTs.
Me: At least it's just not me. It's all of America.
N: Yup. #myworldview
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I do not care that Lana Del Ray sounded like shyte on SNL (I YouTubed it…she looked like she was on Ambien), I’m obsessed.
“I’m insane; want to know how I know that? I lied to [redacted] on FB about...”
– Bestest.gurl.ever.
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First Two Weeks
Last night, I checked my bank account (hey, Joe’s Crab Shack costs bucks, man) and saw that my first big girl paycheck had been deposited. It’s not buttloads of money, but it’s way more than I made before. The jump in financial status is not the win, here, though; it’s the sense of accomplishment I feel at actually starting a new career.
I’m really excited about this...
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Getting Ready
I much rather get ready for work in the morning when John has off. Magically, The Goose stays sleeping and I can watch The Today Show instead of Little Bear. I also don’t have to get up at 6 am because SOMEONE wants “marshmallows.”
Cereal with no marshmallows it is, you little early-rising punk.
Wild Saturday Night
Is it wrong that I watch “Bad Sex” strictly for the cute therapist?
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You guys!
So many nice thoughts for my new job from the tumblr universe.
How great are you?!?
PS…I really dig the new job.
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Tomorrow, I begin my new job...and I bought a new...
I’d be excited, but I’m too busy being nervous. Wish me luck!!!
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The Goose was still up after the ball dropped
This inability to sleep does not bode well for 2012.
December 2011
51 posts
1 tag
I'm doing NYE in my pajamas
Yes, I’m going to a party in pajamas. ‘Cause that’s how I roll!
4 tags
I was just resting my eyes
Since I was little, one of my worst fears is a home invasion. I’ve had nightmares, right through buying the new house, of a stranger somehow getting into the joint and creeping into my bedroom while I sleep. Rape, death, Publisher’s Clearing House…the end result doesn’t matter. It’s so terrifying, I’ve made escape routes for each of my abodes. My childhood home?...
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Toes
I’m getting my toes done today…what color?
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Christmas Eve
Today is the family’s official favorite holiday. Not tomorrow, when gifts are given, but today, when we spend time with family and friends.
This year is different. Some people are gone, and the day is going to start oddly off-kilter. But I’m making a concerted effort to bring some serious Christmas cheer to the ancestral estate. I’m bringing presents, cookies (Reese’s...
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I have the funniest family
Sister's FB Status: So I now smell like vanilla. Why you ask? Because I spilt a tablespoon of it all over myself. Atleast it's a good smell.
Me: Are you a stripper?
Sis: What????
Me: Strippers smell like vanilla.
Sis: Ummmm no I am not!
Sister-in-Law: @Chrissy: how do you know what strippers *smell* like?
Me: side job
Sis: Only my sister! [SIL} at least you are not blood related to her... Poor [niece] though, our crazy blood runs through her veins.
Me: I'm not crazy. I needed "college money."
SIL: At least she will be creative! I'm going to now attempt to come up with what I think Chrissy's stripper name would have been...
Me: Go ahead. You'll get a prize if you do. I'm stripperstiltzkin.
SIL: Do you have a "now spin this into gold, bitches" tattoo?
Me: I spin my stripper pole into gold...or dolla billz!
SIL: All I can up with is lame pseudo raunchy stuff you would have said, given your major... Like "Baby got Steinbeck"....Or..."Edgar Allen Poe some digs on me, baby..."
Sis: Don't you mean Edgar Allen Ho?
Me: "Faulkner? Barely Touched Her."
SIL: Nice. How about "Thoreau" some of dat ass my way, baby!
Me: Do you need help?
Goose: I'm picking my booger.
Me: That's gross.
Goose: Not your hand. You can't pull (sticks fingers up right nostril).
“I want cookies. And milk. And marshmallows.”
– Goose. Smart kid.
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DONE!
When I post grades tomorrow, I will have officially finished my teaching career.
I’m a little sad because, despite the shyte paycheck and isolation of adjuncting, I genuinely liked teaching students comp, rhetoric, and lit.
But Shakespeare got to get PAID, son! New job in 2012.
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My niece is sometimes the coolest person alive. In...
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I was funnier in 2009: a FB note I randomly found
You have received this note because someone thinks you are a literary geek. Copy the questions into your own note, answer the questions, and tag any friends who would appreciate the quiz, including the person who sent you this. Don’t bother trying to italicize your book titles. We know you want to…
———————————-
1)...
Little Triumphs
I’m playing a nine-year-old in Words with Friends. And I’m kicking butt. Thank God.
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hellociara replied to your photo: I love you, Bryant Park dumpling stand. Your…
that looks so good! ^_^
Oh my Lord, but it was. My cup was waaaay bigger than Aimee’s dumpling soup cup, but I ate the whole thing. And I liked it.
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Coffee and All-Bran Crackers may not have been the...
Yup. Not so smart on my part.
But I shall take pictures (after I apply makeup) to show the tumblr-verse the City in all its splendor.
Or it will be a bunch of shots of me eating peppermint Pinkberry.
