Exiled to the Pointless Forest

Eff this effing game

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:55:55 -0500

Me: Show me how to play this stupid game.
John (handing me the controller): Push the left analog to aim. Push the right analog to shoot. Use the right thumbstick to move back and forth, and the left thumbstick to move right and left.
Me: I can do this. (Makes little soldier avatar move sloooowly through CG rubble. Get killed.) Oops. Why am I not killing anyone? I want to kill people.
John: You can only kill people highlighted in red.
Me: Why?
John: Because green is your team.
Me: Well, can't I kill them?
John: We disabled that function.
Me (Makes soldier on screen mince around a corner): I can't find anyone in red!
John: You have to run to catch people. Press this button. (Demonstrates)
Me (presses a button and throws a bomb instead. Kills self.): Fuck this stupid game.

Babies cry? Really?

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:43:00 -0500

The baby has begun teething and/or has a head cold. Snuffaluffagus cried so much in the last day that the hours have melted into each other like clocks in a Dali painting. At one point, she stopped sobbing and started playing in her exersaucer. She even looked up at me and smiled. Then, she sneezed and a big blob of boogery baby snot bubbled out of her left nostril. So she cried some more.

That’s it. End of story. No repartee.

I bought the shirt. Crisis averted.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:02:08 -0500

I bought the shirt. Crisis averted.

blueeyedgreek: My boss knows me all too well. LOVES...

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:42:08 -0500

blueeyedgreek:

My boss knows me all too well. LOVES IT!

Coolest.calendar.ever.

If someone does not purchase this (on sale!!!) t-shirt for me,...

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:12:00 -0500

If someone does not purchase this (on sale!!!) t-shirt for me, I’m going to assume that I’m unloved and, therefore, kill myself.

Buy it to save my life. I’m pretty sure you’ll get on the newz and stuff.

kthxbye.

(http://typetees.threadless.com/product/1515/The_Art_of_Conversation_Is_Like_Kinda_Dead_and_Stuff)

Insert my sleep-deprived face here. Sick kids = woah.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:39:57 -0500

Insert my sleep-deprived face here. Sick kids = woah.

(via bellavita) There was a student in one of my classes that...

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:21:51 -0500

(via bellavita)

There was a student in one of my classes that wrote EVERY PAPER about Tupac. He even wrote a paper about Tupac’s poetry.

Thug Life.

My genes are dominant. Thank you, Lord.

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:51:15 -0500

My genes are dominant. Thank you, Lord.

fuckyeahtattoos: This was taken the day I got my first tattoo,...

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:22:59 -0500

fuckyeahtattoos:

This was taken the day I got my first tattoo, earlier this summer. It’s a logo for Srichacha, a popular Asian chilli sauce, and common kitchen condiment (one of my favs, naturally). I’m a young cook, and aspiring chef, so the tattoo represents my love for Asian flavors, and my devotion to my career. I also got this a week after I nearly chopped my thumb off and had to get several stitches. Now I have two scars to remind me of my passion. Only one of them is art.

Yo, I love this chili sauce, but not enough to tattoo it on my body.

(via bellavita) This is what it’s like feeding a...

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:34:33 -0500

(via bellavita)

This is what it’s like feeding a five-month-old who hates oatmeal.

Parenthood is a jungle.

Friday's timetable

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:32:43 -0500

7:40 am: Get up. Not bad considering I have a small child. What is it, 8 am? No? Awesome! I don’t have to leave the house until 10:45…I have time to shower, get dressed, and hang out with the baby.

8:15 am: Pad downstairs with the Goose. Make coffee. Eat yogurt. Watch The Today Show.

8:30 am: Decide to give the wiggly worm a bath in the sink because small babies like to stick their hands in their mouths…and then wipe them everywhere. Consequently, le bébé and my shoulders perpetually smell like spitty formula. It’s a new cologne I’m marketing.

8:45 am: Finish bath and put small child on towel on table. Small child rolls over and kicks the coffee mug, filled with 12.75 oz. of delicious, Keurig-brewed coffee all over the table, table legs, chairs, floor, garbage can, and walls. The view of the kitchen: coffee on the floor, partially naked child on the table directly above the coffee-soaked floor.

I love mornings.

My bookcase: a list

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 12:29:00 -0500

yearbooks, Anne of Green Gables, Jarhead (signed, booyah), work texts, critical theory texts, a partial list of Foucault’s body of work (The History of Sexuality: an introduction, Madness and Civilization, Discipline and Punish, The Essential Foucault), more critical theory texts, minority fiction novels used for my MA thesis (Ceremony, The Rain God, No-No Boy), Geek Love, The Body in Pain, Aesthetic Nervousness, Extraordinary Bodies, The Absent Body, Sacred Pain, Gendering Disability, The Culture of Pain, Staring, Cultural Locations of Disability, The Disability Studies Reader (2nd ed), Freaks, Freak Show, Freakery, Victorian Freaks, Freaks of Nature, Half Life, novels for my BA Honors thesis, Gnomes and Gardens.

Is this the bookcase of a literature scholar or a serial killer?

she’s too short so we have to use PMLA issues to bolster...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 12:01:29 -0500

she’s too short so we have to use PMLA issues to bolster her

itsbeautiful's shop on etsy

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 11:02:24 -0500

itsbeautiful's shop on etsy:

God, I love this person’s jewelry. If anyone is interested in buying me gifts (for Christmas, Hanukkah, being me, bribery) buy me something from here. I like this especially:

work in progress

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 09:47:09 -0500

work in progress

What is your Jersey Shore nickname?

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:04:01 -0500

What is your Jersey Shore nickname?:

ellenclare:

carlyj:carolinek:allthingsalishan:dailykayla:kimbaland:artinslowmotion:

Mine is: The Tan-trum

Mine is C-Pow. I like the one it generated for Erin better…The Marisa Tomei of the Bronx. Damn.

Thanks, Meghan, for this super funny clip from Jimmy Fallon....

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:00:00 -0500

Thanks, Meghan, for this super funny clip from Jimmy Fallon. You’ll realize it’s the theme from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” about a line into it. Sounds pretty good when “Neil Young” sings it.

I have to find his SNL “Christmas Time” too.

"So some old bitch at the movies..."

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:25:00 -0500

The title of this post is how I hope some young girl’s bloggy rant began a couple days ago. And that “old bitch”? Me. I’m getting older and I can’t say it bothers me.

On Sunday, I finally decided that the hordes of retarded tweens fantasizing about the ugliest celebrity alive were probably finished packing the movies theaters. The Twilight Saga: New Moon has been out for a couple weeks, and in that time, prepubescent girls and their soccer moms alike have most likely had their fill of the movie. Seeing it four times has to be enough. It has to be. So my sister, my seven-year-old niece, and I ventured out early on Sunday afternoon to see the matinee.

This is not a review. I will say that the movie was better (gasp!) than the second book, but that’s not saying much. The book was so trite and redundant (“Edward couldn’t have left me! I love him! I’m nothing without him,” whined Bella) that I had almost hesitated reading the third. Almost. So the celluloid version, which moved at a faster pace but still kept the cheesy dialogue (“I don’t want to live in a world that you aren’t in,” harrumphed the constipated-looking Edward), was an improvement. It’s not the movie I want to talk about, though. It’s my company in the theater.

Ten minutes before the previews started, eight little kids poured into the one-third-full theater. There were an equal number of boys and girls, all about twelve years old, but no parents. Usually this is no problem, but the darkness of the movies theater turns teenagers stupid. They can’t whisper, they can’t stop fidgeting, they change seats, they can’t hold their bladders…they can’t shut the fuck up. This last sentence demonstrates how old I’ve become. I used to fidget and laugh and talk through movies. Now I shush kids yet still throw popcorn at friends. But I digress. These kids picked, out of the whole theater, the rows directly in front of me. They whipped out their cellphones—which are nicer than mine, goddarnit—and started talking and texting. As soon as the movie began, however, they calmed down a bit and started watching the movie. That is until Jacob (Taylor Lautner) came on screen. He’s an attractive enough guy, but as soon as he came on screen, it was like the girls were unable to contain themselves. It turned into the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show. The one right in front of me especially, let’s call her Glasses Girl, yelled whenever Jacob came on screen.

It was cute. Prepubescent crushes are sweet and I have chronicled my longstanding love of Joe McIntyre previously. In fact, in the first scene with Jacob shirtless, other women in the audience (yes, even those who have actually had sex) “woo”ed along with Glasses Girl. But an hour into the movie, her incessant “woo”ing wasn’t cute anymore. It was annoying. Therefore I, the old bitch that I am, had to stop it lest I stab myself in the ear to make it go away. So I leaned over and said, “Honey, we get it. Now be quiet.” Then I leaned back into my seat and continued watching the movie. That was my version of shaking my cane at the young whippersnappers who can’t stay off my lawn. Was I a bitch? Probably. Do I care? No. I got to watch the movie in peace.

Glasses Girl’s eyes stayed front and center the entire duration of the movie and as the credits rolled the kids scurried out like little mice. My sister laughed when she heard what I said, but she said she knew it was something admonishing because I said, “Honey” in my “teacher voice.” I have a teacher voice and I hate teenagers. That puts my emotional age at, what, seventy-two?

FWD:Look closely and tell me why we need higher standards for...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 09:43:53 -0500

FWD:Look closely and tell me why we need higher standards for teachers haha

Christina the Red-Nosed Shopper

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:12:10 -0500

Christina the Red-Nosed Shopper